Saturday, 6 May 2017

Realization

Hello everyone of my thousands of readers, he he. I am back because I had an epiphany today. For a couple of months or so, I have been unable to sleep at night and wound up sleeping part of the day away. The insomnia is new to me, did not have it till menopause showed up. So, for months I have been feeling worried about myself; am I depressed? Am I useful? Will I have more and more "normal days"? I have been asking myself and my son and friends about this and they all said I am ok, I am not depressed, it must be the new order brought on by menopause. I am not taking anything for the menopause or the insomnia but, tonight, a light bulb went on! At first I felt angry because I woke at 7 pm and my dear son has been doing the grocery shopping and the cleaning, which I appreciate but feel bad when I do not contribute. Anyhow, I realized I felt tired still but, at 10:30 pm something kicked in and I said to my son:"I am awake NOW!" He laughed and told me to go with the flow, no one is judging me (he is sweet like me ;) ) At that point I began working on my sci-fi novel Kobalt  which I kept thinking I should be writing thru the daytime and so I was missing out and REALIZED that this is why I am sleeping days : to write at night!!!! I produced 3 new pages and I solved some problems I was stuck on, and felt, for the first time in a few months, that I DO have control over my life, I am not lazy, unmotivated or depressed. I am a night person and that is ideal for the writer in me. I feel well now and more alive. I also do look forward to the few, magical nights in which I will fall asleep and will have great daytime action, like walking to the park or going for coffee, scrubbing my bathroom and cooking great dinners for my family, since I love to cook (and to eat).  I will take the sleepless nights as a gift of time dedicated to my life's work.

Regarding the writing, I have been stuck on Kobalt for months and I was worried. I have to confess that for a while I have been "blocked" by the fear of being judged by the reader. I know I should only write what I love and for myself. I lost that. After being in the ups and downs world of publishing for about 20+ years, writing has become work to me, and work in an onerous way, since I worry about what publishers will think of it, and what the readers will think of it if is published. I felt obligated to write and I was missing the joy in it, so I quit writing for about one month, and feeling horrible about it. I have been scared to not be either smart enough or prepared enough to write this novel. Yes, insecurity, lack of confidence in myself. Tonight I wrote from my heart, for myself and I realized that this work is the work of the soul and it belongs to ME. If others end up loving it I will be ever so happy and grateful, but I also expect critics. It's ok if I keep writing what I love and also, nobody is perfect.

I don't think I ever shared  Kobalt  's general plot. It is the story of 5 special Beings who come to Earth to rid it of cruelty, evil and the root of it all, the Illuminati or ruling elite. These are beings chosen by the Galactic Federation out of thousands of souls competing for the job. One of them, Kaela, was born on Earth and is a Walk-In; this happened in her teens. Now she is about 30. The other four come from different parts of the galaxy and also other star systems. They have been given the cloned bodies of Human donors and had their DNA upgraded to 12 strands, giving them some special powers. Kaela included, although she is not allowed to keep all her past/concurrent lives memories as the others do. She has an earthly lifetime and karma to fulfill. These are the basics and I have many notes to draw from. I brainstorm a lot. I think of this project every day and I try to stay current with Ancient Aliens and my spiritual friends on Facebook and in 3D for fresh ideas, and also books and movies for inspiration. I try to learn something new every day that will benefit my writing. In a way, I am always at work in my mind. I feel so blessed tonight as I have put the story on a good path and I am so curious to see what's coming, for my entertainment and, some day, maybe for others to enjoy as well. :)

1 comment:

  1. I loved reading this, Michela!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and fears. It's so nice to hear your honest journey with writing and life. I have struggled with a lot of the same things, so it made me feel better about it all. I LOVE hearing that you've owned the night! Michael Jackson said that his greatest moments of inspiration were at early dawn and dusk.. made me think that whenever our spirit wants to create is perfect. We just have to not judge ourselves for it. I'm partly nocturnal too. lol Andrew and I always say, "Self referencing, bitches!!" ��Love you!! Can't wait to read your books! ����

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